What is the First thing that comes to your mind when you encounter the words “dominant” and “control”?
Ever since that Fifty Shades Trilogy went out, whenever you say those words, first thing that comes to people’s mind, – SEX. Dominance and control isn’t just about sex. (Ugh, People nowadays..) I hate you E.L James. Hehehe.
There’s this “thing” that most of my friends and family are not aware that this side of me existed… or is existing. I have this “dominant” and “controlling” attitude. I am very much aware of this negative attitude of mine. I just want to be “in control” of things. I want power. I don’t really know why. I can’t even remember when did I become like this. I like it when people follow me whenever I ask them to do something. I love being the “boss”.
I was a Girl Scout when I was in high school. Senior year. Graduating year. I was one of the officers. Oh, I just love commanding and punishing them whenever they did wrong. (Or, I just want to punish them.. for fun) I had this attitude back then, where I love seeing people hurt or suffer. I’m not being sadist here. (or maybe I am. But maybe, just a little bit). You order them, and they follow. Very “Fifty Shades-y”. But, not in a sexual way.. We’ll get to that later.
There’s this guy, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend. He told me that he likes me. Well, he’s a very jealous kid. He once told me, not to talk to other guys. I got mad and told him, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me. You’re not my dad. You’re not even my boyfriend. You have NO right to tell me who I should and I should not be friends with. Back off”. After that, I walked out. Yep, very bitch-y. But, I’m a strong and independent woman. I’m a bit mature for my age. I can handle myself… I think. And, I’m a very friendly person. I have more “guy” friends than girls at that time. I hate when people don’t trust me. I have more “guy” friends because I’m a bit ‘tomboy’ that time. (or maybe until now). I hate being “controlled”. It went on for years..
Until.. I got tired. Then, something made me.. change. I get hurt whenever I see people hurting. It is so frustrating. I may not be as sadist as I used to be, but I still love control. Then, unexpectedly, one day, I love controlling people, now, I want to be controlled. I hate this feeling. I’m not used to this. It felt like all my walls are broken down. I feel weak. I feel exposed.
I asked myself, “What happened?”. Then I realized, like Christian Grey, there will be a point where you’ll get tired. There came a point where I want to be controlled. I want to be the submissive one. I want to be pushed in a wall and kissed aggressively. I found out that there is something very sexy about a man who is strong, confident, and wants to make all of the decisions.
Someone made me feel this way. I don’t like him. (Or maybe I do.. but not romantically.). He did this to me. He made me re-think things. Stupid “Seven Minutes to Heaven” game. Someone made me feel that letting someone to decide for you, to command you, to dominate you… control you, could be quite interesting and exciting.
“I like control – of myself and those around me.” – Christian Grey
According to Cherry Williams, “If you are choosing to give up your power to a man, then you are not being abused. If, on the other hand, you are giving up your power due to coercion, threats, or fear…then you are not choosing to give up your control. The dominant is taking control. Taking control is abusive.” It’s all about choice.
Do I want to be abused? Hell, NO! What am I? Stupid. Duh.
I am so not used to this feeling. This is very new for me.
March 22, 2013. A very ordinary day for most of you, but a bit “life changing” for me.
I don’t really know how to end this blog post. Kbye. 😀
Sorry for a very random, pointless and crappy post. :(( Will write again next time. xx