“I like control – of myself and those around me.”

What is the First thing that comes to your mind when you encounter the words “dominant” and “control”?

Ever since that Fifty Shades Trilogy went out, whenever you say those words, first thing that comes to people’s mind, – SEX. Dominance and control isn’t just about sex. (Ugh, People nowadays..) I hate you E.L James. Hehehe.

There’s this “thing” that most of my friends and family are not aware that this side of me existed… or is existing. I have this “dominant” and “controlling” attitude. I am very much aware of this negative attitude of mine. I just want to be “in control” of things. I want power.  I don’t really know why. I can’t even remember when did I become like this. I like it when people follow me whenever I ask them to do something. I love being the “boss”. 

I was a Girl Scout when I was in high school. Senior year. Graduating year. I was one of the officers. Oh, I just love commanding and punishing them whenever they did wrong. (Or, I just want to punish them.. for fun) I had this attitude back then, where I love seeing people hurt or suffer. I’m not being sadist here. (or maybe I am. But maybe, just a little bit). You order them, and they follow. Very “Fifty Shades-y”. But, not in a sexual way.. We’ll get to that later.

There’s this guy, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend. He told me that he likes me. Well, he’s a very jealous kid. He once told me, not to talk to other guys. I got mad and told him, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me. You’re not my dad. You’re not even my boyfriend. You have NO right to tell me who I should and I should not be friends with. Back off”. After that, I walked out. Yep, very bitch-y. But, I’m a strong and independent woman. I’m a bit mature for my age. I can handle myself… I think. And, I’m a very friendly person. I have more “guy” friends than girls at that time. I hate when people don’t trust me. I have more “guy” friends because I’m a bit ‘tomboy’ that time. (or maybe until now). I hate being “controlled”. It went on for years..

Until.. I got tired. Then, something made me.. change. I get hurt whenever I see people hurting. It is so frustrating. I may not be as sadist as I used to be, but I still love control. Then, unexpectedly, one day, I love controlling people, now, I want to be controlled. I hate this feeling. I’m not used to this. It felt like all my walls are broken down. I feel weak. I feel exposed. 

I asked myself, “What happened?”. Then I realized, like Christian Grey, there will be a point where you’ll get tired. There came a point where I want to be controlled. I want to be the submissive one. I want to be pushed in a wall and kissed aggressively. I found out that there is something very sexy about a man who is strong, confident, and wants to make all of the decisions. 

Someone made me feel this way. I don’t like him. (Or maybe I do.. but not romantically.). He did this to me. He made me re-think things. Stupid “Seven Minutes to Heaven” game. Someone made me feel that letting someone to decide for you, to command you, to dominate you… control you, could be quite interesting and exciting.   

“I like control – of myself and those around me.” – Christian Grey

According to Cherry Williams, “If you are choosing to give up your power to a man, then you are not being abused. If, on the other hand, you are giving up your power due to coercion, threats, or fear…then you are not choosing to give up your control. The dominant is taking control. Taking control is abusive.” It’s all about choice

Do I want to be abused? Hell, NO! What am I? Stupid. Duh.

I am so not used to this feeling. This is very new for me.

March 22, 2013. A very ordinary day for most of you, but a bit “life changing” for me.  

I don’t really know how to end this blog post. Kbye. 😀

Sorry for a very random, pointless and crappy post. :(( Will write again next time. xx

And I will try to Fix You…

This is a very annoying blog post about my first boyfriend. I just want to reminisce. That’s all. Please bear with me. I loved the guy okay? He’s still on my mind…. Sometimes. 🙂 Anyways, our “love story” started like this.

*flashback 5 or 6 years ago*

We were on our junior year. My bag fell. He picked it up and said, “I believe this bag is yours.” I don’t know what came into his mind and said those words. I was using that bag since sophomore year and he obviously knows that I own that bag. I know he’s just fooling around, so I kinda joined in and said, “Yeah, it’s mine. Thanks.” He gave my bag and said, “Your face looks familiar, have we ever me before?”. (Take note. We’ve been friends since sophomore year.) He said those words in a very serious manner. So, I composed myself a little bit and said, “Oh, I’m sorry… but, we haven’t met before.”. I said those words imitating his tone and facial expressions. Then, like in movies, we kinda imitated some cliche scenes like, “boy-meets-girl” and “boy-asks-girl-to-go-out” and “girl-says-yes”. At first, we’re just fooling around. Maybe we’re so bored that time. I don’t know.

I was just recovering from a very nasty heartbreak that time. (No, my first love and my first heartbreak wasn’t my boyfriend.) Let’s name him “Mathematics” or “Math” for short. Math and I were never together. But, I was so hurt. We talk and act like boyfriend and girlfriend, but we never “labeled the relationship”. We were never in a commitment. (I will tell the story on my next blog post. I need to refresh my memory. And this post is about my first boyfriend.)

Moving on…

How we became so close? No one knows.

Math and boyfriend are friends. Close friends. Boyfriend knew how much I loved Math. He knew everything we’ve been through. He was there. He’s our friend. Boyfriend and I never liked each other.. Not in a romantic way. (at that time)

When Math left me, my friends comforted me. But, they got tired of me crying all the time. I just needed someone to listen. Boyfriend was there. He’s not really the talkative kind of person when it comes to serious matter. He’s a good listener. Knowing that he’s always ready to listen to whatever rant you say is very comforting. It took me months before I could finally say that “I’m okay”. I may not fully “moved on” but, at least I’m surviving. I had him. I had him when everyone else turned their backs on me. They said that they can’t help me if they don’t know the reason why I’m crying. I understand them, I never told them the story. All they knew is that, Math and I were over even though we never started. But Boyfriend didn’t care. He never asked me what’s my problem (because it’s obvious), he never asked anything. He just listened and distracted me whenever I feel like crying.

He added a little spice in my life. When you don’t know him, you will think that he got no problems at all. His actions could make people laugh. He’s so funny and all. He always find his way to make me happy. He fixed me. He even dedicated a Coldplay song to me – Fix You.

I really want to write a blog about our love story. It’s cheesy, I know. I loved the dude, okay? But… I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.. but, I can’t remember those memories anymore. Some are clear as a water, some are blurred. I have this thing where I “forget” those memories that would hurt me. I’m not pretending. Seriously, I’m trying my best to remember.. I just… can’t. Oh well. Maybe I’ll write a blog post if I remember.

We broke up.. August 20, 2010. Maybe I could say that I’ve moved on. But not completely. (If you know what I mean.) The dude made a huge impact on my life. He didn’t know what I’ve been through just to make things work on our relationship. He was my friend, companion, shoulder to cry on, lover, cuddle buddy, my “boyfriend”… WAS..

After we broke up, we simply drifted away. We never went back to “friends”. We stopped communicating with each other.. Or should I say,, HE stopped. I did everything. I tried everything to make things work. He just gave up. Maybe I did give up. I loved him. Maybe I still do. But not as much as I did before.  I still love him. For me, he’s still my friend. We started as friends. We were good friends. We had each others back before.

Some people are meant to love each other but not meant to BE TOGETHER.

We should learn to accept things. I didn’t force myself to move on. I allowed myself to cry for months or maybe even a year. I didn’t have my friends. But I had my mom and my grandma. So, I didn’t receive any “okay-let’s-forget-it-and-let’s-get-drunk-kind-of-pieces-of-advice”, instead, I receive words of wisdom and encouragement. I grew closer to God. After spending my months crying my heart out, I distracted myself.

Boyfriend “fixed me” when Math left. Now, I had God to fix me. He didn’t just fix me. He restored me. He forgave me for all of my sins. He provided comfort and strength. He loved me. And that’s all I need. I could say that  I’m a better person now.

Okay, I think this is a very long post. I’m gonna upload the continuation later. 🙂

♫♪♫ Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you ♫♪♫

This is a very random post from a very random person. 😦

Will write again later. xx