Unabridged Birthday Message

I wrote this 6 months ago, but then I forgot to post it. So, here it is.

 

“According to entfernungsrechner.net (Yea, weird site, not even sure if it’s 100% accurate, I just Googled it. I’m such an embarassment to my profession, but anyways), we’re approximately 497 miles away from each other. That’s freaking 800 kilometers. (364 times around UP Academic Oval, **since one lap around the oval is 2.2 kms). Someone has to travel by air or by sea or just to see each other again.

There is no guarantee or assurance that you will be back. I don’t know how long I can wait. I don’t think I’m waiting anymore.

89 days since you left your family and your friends here in Quezon City and went to Butuan. It’s probably one of the hardest decision you’ve ever made.

This year has been so challenging and tough for you. But you’re still holding on. You’re a good guy. You also have a very big and kind heart.

Take this time to learn new things, meet new people, explore what you want, what you really need, what’s best for you, your passions, your goals and your plans. But above all else, never ever forget to seek the Lord and trust Him.

I’ve said this to you before, but I’ll say it again:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. – Matthew 6:33-34 (ESV)

A friend once told me that, “We worry about a lot of things so I believe that we should be reminded of God’s promises and commandments.”

I love you not just because of who you are but because of the God that you serve. I realized that I am just an extension of His unending love for you. Always seek the Lord and hold on to His promises.”

_______________________________________________________

This is not the cliche “I am not ready” or even the classic “It’s not you, it’s me”.  It’s just that circumstances and situations are not allowing us to be together. A lot of people may say that long distance relationship works, as long as the two of you constantly communicate and trust each other.

I do trust you – a lot. You really made an effort to constantly call me after work and text me in the morning. But it’s not the kind of communication that I need. It was not enough for me. I am sorry. I am sorry that I wanted more than you can give. I am sorry that I wanted the “romantic” pick me up at work and dinners, going to church together, lunch dates with our parents, random coffee, movie, bookstore dates, healthy debates about some political shizz, deep conversations, watching documentaries cozily at home, and all the cliche girlfriend-boyfriend shenanigans.

But we can’t do that anymore because you’re there…and I’m here. Yes, we could wait until you’ll be back. But when? Next month? Next year? Next two years? First red flag.

Here’s a rundown on our shotgun relationship:

  • Friday, we made it official.
  • Saturday, you left.

You and I know that we rushed things. We were too caught up with emotions at that time (I was doing my thesis, I was frustrated with French exam, my term as the youth president just ended, you just finished your Iloilo Mission trip, and lastly, you — leaving.) We weren’t thinking clearly. You and I both know that. We were too caught up with our feelings for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I did love you and I did care a lot about you. It’s just that life and circumstances are f***ing as up right now.

“Why are you so far from me? In my arms is where you ought to be. How long will you make me wait? I don’t know how much more I can take…” (To Whom It May Concern – Civil Wars)

I just can’t wait for something vague – like the “idea” of you coming back. I know you promised me a lot of times that you will be back but I am the kind of person who needs something tangible to hold on to. I don’t think I can wait anymore. I just don’t know if I can invest and attach myself to this relationship if at the back of my mind I know that this will come to an end. I am sorry that I cannot wait for you anymore.

 “It’s easy to play the what-if game, but if you had enough reservations to end the relationship early on, you were probably right. Settling is something I swore never to do. It’s not fair to me or to the woman (man) I’m involved with.”

The idea of waiting for you to come back is not something I can control. I really tried to work things out. I really tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. It’s just that my aggressive, alpha-female,dominant and controlling self has been anxious since the day you said that you’re leaving and you said that you’re not sure when will you be back. My anxiety and doubts intensified when you told me that your father is planning to move there after your sister’s graduation. I just can’t do something like that. I just can’t fully trust you and give myself to you when you can’t even give me something tangible to hold on to. I just can’t do that to myself. I am sorry for learning to live my life without you. I need to do that so my thoughts won’t paralyze me. I can’t afford to do that especially now, I really need to get my head in the game. I really need to study and I can’t afford to be distracted with my irrational midnight thoughts. I need to detach myself to you. I need to do that so I could move on to my daily life. I am sorry that I’m a very complicated girl with a cold and distant (and probably dead) heart.

When you said that you don’t want to talk about serious things or issues really bothered me. That was my second red flag. You know how much I crave deep conversations. I like shallow talks but not all the time. I’m slight geeky and nerdy. I love learning new things. Yes, I like knowing what you did in a day, what you ate and who you met. But at the same time, I want to talk to you about your plans, the things happening around us, current events, etc. I want to have a healthy debate with you about your political stands, and your beliefs. I want to learn new things from you and with you. I want us to grow together – individually and as a couple.

Ayoko ng puro kilig lang. Gusto Kailangan ko ng may substance.

I am so sorry. I’m sorry for giving you false hopes. I did try. Trust me, I really did. It’s just that long distance relationships and uncertainties are not for me. (Yes, life is full of uncertainties but in this situation, the probability of you coming back is very slim. I’m sorry. I need to protect myself. I need to protect you from myself. With everything happened to me over the past six years, I learned that self preservation should be my utmost priority.)

“I needed – demanded – complete calm and control” – Drake Morgan

I need someone who will challenge me. Someone who won’t easily give in just because I’m mad. Someone who will point out my mistakes and help me improve them. (Read this: The Guardian) This may sound so harsh but I need someone mature to deal with me (and my issues). I don’t need another “I am sorry, it’s my fault” (even though I was the one who really made the mistake), I need an “Okay, I don’t like and agree on this, I’ll listen to your issues, and you’ll listen to mine. Let’s work things out.” I don’t need someone who will just laugh and make a joke out of big issues. I don’t need a “HAHAHAHA. I don’t want serious conversations. Let’s talk about _____ na lang“. I can’t. I just can’t. I really can’t. I am really sorry. I need someone who would argue with me, but at the end of the day, we will resolve our issues. I need clarity. I need closure. I need assurance. I need someone who will say “Stop Gem. You need to take a break and let me handle things.”

The last thing I wanted to do is hurt you. I’ve told you a million times how much I crave for you to be genuinely happy. And prolonging this relationship will hurt you even more. I just can’t do that to you. That’s how much love you. You will always have a special place in my heart. You did not do anything wrong.

“I like control – of myself and those around me.”– Christian Grey

You deserve someone who won’t push you away. You have a big heart. You are amazing. It’s time to let you go. Trust me, I’m not the one you need. I’m probably just another “stop” on your journey. I’m sorry for deciding for you.

This is so douche-y, but I hope and I pray that one day, you’ll meet that girl that you really need, that girl that deserves all the love that you can give. Do not settle for a girl that will treat you badly and won’t appreciate the things you could offer.

I do admire your “I love you and I will do anything for you even though it hurts” attitude. But this martyr attitude is not good for you. Do not let your “feelings” cloud your judgement. Think rationally, for your sake. Know your battles. There are battles worth fighting for and battles that should be given up.  Surrendering, admitting your mistakes and giving up does not mean that you’re weak, it’s just shows that you know what you want and what you deserve and that you have to let go of the things that are not good for you. (I know a lot of people won’t agree on this, but I saw how big your heart is. You always see the best in people. It’s their fault for trying to take advantage of you, but the least you could do for yourself is to guard your heart)

Thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything. But sadly, all good things must come to an end.

This is probably the end. Our end. I won’t wait for you anymore.”